Can Green Men Sing the Blues?

With apologies to the Bonzo Dog Band

Spare a thought for plucky Steve D. While you spend the summer polishing the sofa with your derriere and watching England trounce the Aussies Steve will be be making the first ever appearance by a green man in notoriously intolerant Serbia. When asked what kind of reception he expected to receive Steve's reply was "With a bit of luck they will throw bananas at me". In case of problems he will be accompanied by nine minders.

We caught up with our quarry in his luxury pad in South West London. He has a dream job  testing mattresses around the globe (geddit?). Steve has been taking his preparations for GCERC very seriously indeed, training long and hard for many, many years. Here we see him practising how to cope with personal hygiene in unusual circumstances. 

Steve is also a dab hand with a pair of oars and is on standby to row us up the coast of  Norway if we miss the bus connection at Fauske.

DD - What was your best ever train trip prior to this?
Romney Hythe and Dymchurch Railway... or possibly the Great Cockrow Railway for Halloween... Looking at the trip, the Great Cockrow might still be ahead on the 23rd July...

Waitrose or Aldi?

When I'm paying, Aldi - and I'm ok with Lidl too... But Waitrose have the nicest and most polite checkout girls.

What is the most memorable hotel that you have ever stayed in?

Perhaps the Crane hotel in Holland was the most fun, although and Underwater hotel in Sweden when I was woken by the outdoor escape hatch clanging shut and locking was certainly memorable. The hotel room was rocked by a passing 'party boat' and I thought I was going to be stuck there forever. Thankfully I managed to wedge open the door and get help.

And the worst?  (You will be allowed to change your mind about this over the course of our travels).
I stayed in a giant polyester model of a human intestine (Casanus) where the toilets backed up. That's wasn't great. And a sewage pipe hotel room in Austria. There was also a Howard Johnson in Boston that was pretty bad - it had a lot of cockroaches.

Are you really going to be able to pull off the Smörgåstårta? How did you get that job dumped on you?

I was the slowest to step away when our leader asked for volunteers. Stupidly I thought that the Swedes were so hyper organised that it'd be easy. I'm pulling in favours from friends to get us fed right now. And Smörgåstårta do look kinda cool. So we've got to have one, or three. Meat/Fish/Vegetarian - All of them at once?

What first attracted you to GCERC?

I wish I'd gone on the India trip and when I saw the Europe plans my friends said it was a really daft idea. So I had to go - the crazier the trip the better. I'm not as prepared as I'd like. I've failed to research the paper underwear and folding cutlery that others have recommended. I've got a fancy towel that's still in it's packet and a pair of trainers. Which I probably won't bring. The rest I'll work out the day before. No use planning for too much? I haven't really memorised the route yet. 

It's always a thrill to interview an author. I got a copy of your "Micro-economics" off Amazon for £0.01 + P&P.   Great read. What are you working on currently?

I'm going through Amazon identifying and buying from all the people who are selling their second hand copies of my earlier Unusual Hotels books as "unwanted gifts". And eBay. And Charity shops. With the growth of eBay, local jumble sales have taken a bit of a nosedive. Likewise car boot sales. But I'm trying to pretend that people are keen to hold on to the first editions of my books. The rare ones - that I didn't actually sign. Etc. 

And I'm writing an update to my first book. Which surprisingly inspired some people to build Unusual hotels now - and these new places are, of course, included. So it's self perpetuating  really, which is nice, if not particularly lucrative.  

Is there a GCERC highlight that you are particularly looking forward to?
St Pancras. July 23rd. 22.00. I'm less interested in the new and sleek trains, but I'm open to everything. The older, more rickety and miniature the better. If it's steam or even clockwork, that'd be my stuff. But I think those aren't on this trip. Although I did like the possibility of the Pope's private railway in Rome. And crossing a demilitarised zone on a model train. 

You have a young family. What far-fetched excuse have you given them for your forthcoming absence?

I've not actually told them too much. I'll probably say I'm just popping out for a pint of milk. They're resourceful. And I'm sure that social services get these kind of situations all the time. Father absent because he's dossed off on a manic rail adventure. They probably have a special code in the local government social services handbook for exactly this eventuality. I don't have to tell my (ex)wife anything. Probably it's best that I admit to very little.

If you could bring anybody from any point in history along on GCERC who would it be?

That's a toughie. I think I'd take Ester Callaghan from my 1985 college. I fancied her, but could never get her interested. 16 days stuck on trains with me might be enough to get her attentions. If, by some odd-chance she gets to read this, I'm available!

But I think I should better take someone of universal interest to everyone. Perhaps Houdini. I'd love to learn a few magic tricks and think there'll be enough time to actually learn one properly. Or to shuffle cards like a pro. 

Rolf Harris has appeared in the headlines of late for worrying allegations... but assuming it's all nonsense, I'd think he's good fun on a long trip. Otherwise I'll stick with Houdini - if he isn't too tied up. [Ed -Yellow card for that one]

Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1994 or Macallan 1926?

Macallan - with a Gaviscon chaser. 

Three Desert Island discs  please.

Is this Desert Island Discs-Lite... I thought I'd get 8 records... ?? 3's seriously stingy...

I'll take a bit of Kasabian - ReWired, maybe Viva la Vida from Coldplay and anything old by the Rolling Stones - perhaps Jumping Jack Flash, although a bit of The Pretender by the Foo Fighters is getting a lot of airplay right now. They've even overtaken my Abba and Madness favourites... 

Final question. Do you think that there have been enough plugs for your website in this interview?... What website? What business?... Seriously... have I told you what I do for a living?

Next in the cross hairs - Lloyd S.  Don't touch that dial!