DD's post bag

Disorientated Dave
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GCERC

If you are new here I can only say "Where have you been?" You have nearly missed all of the fun. Catch up using the links to previous posts on the right hand side of the page.                                                                                  

That's this side 

Not this side.

As you can imagine here at DD we receive sackloads of mail every week. Most of it is the usual stuff - adoring fan missives, unsolicited gifts, begging letters and the like. However we do also receive more serious communications, many from people who need our help. This is a selection from the last few days with quite an international flavour.

Lady G of Bonnie Scotland writes
Dear Mr Disorientated,
My husband thinks that I am going to give him time off to go away on a lunatic rail trip around Europe with some absolutely ghastly sounding people. Please help me persuade him that this is not a good idea.
Yours fragrantly,
Lady Glenmutchkin.

DD -  Lady G. Think about. He will be away having his mid-life crisis with a bunch of weirdos  and you will be free to have all the fun and fragrance you want for a couple of weeks. Sounds like a result.

...........................................................................

ML from Berks sent us a msg

dd - i am suffering recurring nightmares about waking up in the middle of the night stark naked and ticketless on a balkan railway platform as the train lights recede into the distance can you help me

ml

DD - I'm not going to tell them and if you are lucky they won't think of it for themselves.

...........................................................................

Mrs F King-Doyle from County Cork left a message on our voice mail

Hi DD,  Is it possible for a girl to be a railfan? Thanks, Fi

Of course it is dear. Just go easy on the deodorant, buy yourself an anorak and never, ever call a Narrow Gauge Railway a T*y Train.

 .........................................................................

Rupert of Hentzau wrote to us on exquisite goatskin parchment.

Worshipful DD,
Our forgotten country in a far flung corner of Europe is about to be visited by something called GCERC.  I am told that sometimes these people are found comatose, naked and ticketless on railway stations. What precautions should we take?
pp HRH Rupert

DD - Rupert mate, good to hear from you. Loved your movies. These are very important people coming to visit you. One adverse blog post by any of them and your country will be ruined. They need to be entertained regally - their leader is known to be particularly keen on his food. A couple of low-fat options might be appreciated by some of their senior citizens.

With regard to precautions I think that the usual ones will suffice. Lock up your daughters and mobilise the army.

...........................................................................

Kirsty Y (W1A 1AA) asked

So Dave what are your three tracks?

Tower of Song - Leonard Cohen.  Mrs DD and I saw him live at Edinburgh Castle a few years back and it was a stunning performance. You would never have guessed that he was 137.

Green, Green Grass of Home - John Otway.  Even longer ago we saw him in a Church Hall during the festival. We sat next to Attila the Stockbroker in an audience of about ten people.

New Spanish Two Step - Bob Wills and His Texas Playboys.  I wish I had seen this guy perform live. Read this book one day for a good laugh and  to find out more. Lone Star Swing


And your luxury item?


A doorbell that plays 'Love hit Me' by J Vincent Edwards or maybe Barry Ryan's 'Eloise'.

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Ms. Didi  of West Bengal  has this problem.

When I was in Delhi I had a train set of my own. Since I moved back to Kolkata the boys won't let me play any more. What do you advise?

Try a new angle. Do you have room for a tramway layout at your new place?   Or maybe you should think about getting a boyfriend.  I bet we could find you a train geek in Kolkata

Stayed  tuned to DD. After the break we have a hatchet job on GCERCer Steve D - complete with Birthday Suit photo. Just for the Ladieez!

The Bearded Wonder

Our guest today needs no introduction. He is well known for his high profile, if controversial, appearances as spokesperson for the Morden Tourist Authority and prior to that as the Bacon Marketing Board's Man of the Year 2009. 
 
Despite his attempt earlier this week to induce heart failure in members of the Route Planning Committee he has not yet been expelled from the tour. No doubt we will learn to love his dodgy Euro Timetable App. 

It took a while to pin him down but eventually we got the call to meet at the prestigious Concorde Room in Heathrow's Terminal 5.

DD - Hello Darren. Thanks for making time to talk to us. I know that you have a flight to catch so let's get cracking.

Where are you from and why did you leave?
Morden, the ar*e end of the Northern Line. Highlights: the ability to get pretty much anywhere else in the country with just two changes. Something I exploited whenever I could. I left because it's sh*t, but I only moved 6 miles to Surbiton, seeking the Good Life. Whether I found it or not is a different matter.

What are your hobbies/interests?


Bacon strips. 

And bacon strips 

and bacon strips 

and bacon strips 

and bacon strips. 



Also Guinness.

What's the worst train trip that you have ever taken?
After 48 hours drinking in Galway on a stag-do, 12 of us cramped in a vestibule area on a rickety slow service back to Dublin. I was sweating Guinness and almost had a stroke.

What attracted you to GCERC?
FINALLY I can achieve my ambition: to take a dump in 23 different countries within 18 days. LIVING THE DREAM.

I read somewhere that you don't drink wine. Can I have yours?
It's true! I've tried to like wine, and I've always failed. Mostly I like my drinks fizzy, or made of Guinness.

How do you feel about being the only GCERCer with a proper beard?
The beard is a proud public statement of my dedication to both manliness and laziness. 
 
Also I'm hoping to get a bit of spare change thrown my way as we travel. 


Or get mistaken for Frankie Boyle.  



What will you be reading as we travel?
Beer bottle labels.

What worries you most about the trip?
The potential for spending 18 days without being able to source a decent Guinness.

What is your favourite film featuring trains?
Silver Streak! Though I'm hoping GCERC is largely free of murder and station destruction.

Which bit of GCERC are you looking forward to the  most?
Having a dump in the Arctic Circle. Also catching 8 different trains on day 14. EIGHT TRAINS.

Our 8 track isn't working. Give us three tracks for your desert island. 
Chas and Dave - The Sideboard Song
Guns 'n Roses - Night Train
and anything by ZZ Top. Good beards, those boys.

Thish a really nice place. Hic! Can you get me shome more champagne before you go?

At this point Security arrived and the interview was terminated.

This Sporting Life

The discovery over the weekend that the Gcercuit will have a couple of 'near miss' encounters with the Tour de France has lead DD to give thought to which other major sporting events of the summer will have to do without us. The decisive stage may well climax as we streak towards Paris from Lyon by TGV. We leave Paris (for the first time) the night before the Champs Elysees finish. Team pack your mankinis just in case.



  Tennis    One GCERCer has already stated that he signed up basically as an excuse not to have to watch this rubbish. Our launch day coincides with the Ladies Final at Wmbldn and we will be en route from Copenhagen to Gothenberg while the Men fight it out on Sunday. I'm not sure what the Swedish is for 'Jock loser' but we will probably find out by the end of the day.

As a low rent operation we couldn't afford the famous tennis poster so we nicked this one off a Cardiff City fansite. Looks like another of Mick's girlfriends.

Golf    In a masterpiece of scheduling the British Open at Muirfield will finish on the same day as Le Tour - Sunday 21st July. DD is with Mark Twain on this one.

Formula 1  - I was a bit reluctant to  bring this into a sporting post but you can get odds at William Hill's so I suppose it must count. There should be time in Copenhagen to see the Parade lap of the German Grand Prix before we board our train out of Denmark on Sunday 7th July.

No there won't. I forgot about the hour's time difference.


Football I jest not. The Women's 2013 European Championships will be taking place in Sweden, kicking off on the day that we leave Stockholm.

Athletics  The 2013 World Championships for Paralympians takes place in Lyon starting on 20th July. Guess where we are leaving that day.

 
Cricket   Now you are talking. The Ashes series kicks off with the First Test at Trent Bridge taking to the field as we are between Stockholm and Copenhagen. If it goes the full course we should be able to watch the closing overs in Skopje but do remember that we traditionally gift the first match to the Aussies.

For us the 2nd (Lord's) test will  begin in Venice and finish in Lisbon, having  negotiated the major logjam in Lyon en route.

LATE ADDITION :  I just had to post this photo of stand in Aussie cricket captain George  Bailey somewhere






 Stay tuned to DD even if you can't abide sport. Our next post will dish the dirt big time on GCERCer Darren F.  Book your copy now!

Bonus Ball's

I was going to have the weekend off but could not resist this open goal. It also gives me a chance to try a shortcut for posting from my tablet. 

You may or may not be surprised to learn that GCERC has a highly secretive admin thread visible only to an elite cabal of decision makers and, of course,  the CIA. Today's hot topic over there has revolved around navigation and has featured words like gps, OSM data and GLONASS whatever that is.

Well they can sit around playing with their devices but DD will be relying on printed paper. No batteries to go flat.

Something for the weekend sir?

The weather is heading  back to situation normal, the cricket team managed to pluck defeat from the jaws of victory, the eastern world it is explodin'. Here at DD we see it as our mission to bring a little cheer into miserable existence so here is our latest offering.

 

We are delighted to announce that our latest Celebrity Interview is with none other than GCERC's Agent 00Mick.  Our very own Rail Guru, Mick has extensive rail experience garnered during his career as one of Her Majesty's Secret Servants. His activities took him to the ends of the earth and he has often needed to call on his mastery of disguise to get out of tight corners.

 

 Mick's finest hour was when he uncovered the Soviet  Bloc's response to BR's Intercity 125 HSTs. This photo also confirmed that the Soviet 3rd Shock Army was secretly training to throw coal if cornered.   He was able to smuggle a microdot back to M concealed in an Eccles Cake that was being deported from East Germany as inedible. Intelligence sources confirm that without this information we would still be having to work with a creaking and antiquated rail infrastructure here in the UK

Understandably for a man in his position Mick has to be very security concious so our interview took place in a sealed coach on the Merseyrail loop. As this takes only 8 minutes we wasted no time in getting down to business.

DD  -  Mick. Thanks for your time. How many miles have you done by train?

Too many to recall, as my bad back, bruised ar**e and scarred shins will testify.

What is the most memorable location that you have been to by train?

Pyongyang, North Korea. Our guide told us they had no steam locomotives as they were an ultra- modern country. So the black steamy thing we passed on their side of the Chinese border must have been a mobile tea-stand.

 

Which place was really the pits?

Toss up between Baotao, Inner Mongolia, where the pollution was so bad you could open the window in the morning and cut yourself a slice of air, and London.
  

What was it like behind the Iron Curtain?

Like a bleached out colour film. Did they never have any paint?

Tell us about your spells in the slammer there?

Which of the four? Actually three were in the same place for straying too near the East-West German border to get a good shot or should that be to get shot? The police and I got quite friendly by the third occasion. The fourth was for entering Poland without a valid visa but a random selection of sterling notes tugged from the wallet soon got my release

 

 

 

Did you ever meet Rosa Klebb?

Met her, I've sh***ed her! 

 

I still carry her photo in my wallet

 

 

Very nice. That must have been a long time ago. What makes you want to go back?

I've not been to Eastern Europe since 1984. I want to see if they have invented paint yet and to meet up with Rosa again.

We know that you don't like spam for brekker. What do you order?

A nice Bury black pudding with bacon and a fried egg

Martinis - shaken or stirred?

What do you think I am - some poncey Southerner?

If you could bring anybody as your guest on GCERC who would it be and why?

Rosa Klebb, I want to see if it was as good as I recall.

Walther PPK or Beretta 418?

Are they types of steam locomotive?

Our budget doesn't run to 8 tracks so name three for your desert island.

 Knocking on Heavens Door - Bob D and Tom Petty at BD's 50th birthday concert.Seems an appropriate track given my age.

Shipbuilding - Elvis Costello, reminds me of Birkenhead [should have been Tread the Dirt Down but that might upset someone].

 

(In a very quiet voice) The theme from Thomas the Tank Engine

Do you expect to live long enough to see Liverpool FC win the Premier League? 

No because my Evertonian partner and her family would kill me before it happened.

Mick, thank you for sharing. I am sure that everybody on GCERC is looking forward to hearing more about your adventures. Your years of experience will  be invaluable.

 

This shot shows Mick at the unveiling of the very first B Class ever to run on the DHR

 

 

 

For those of you sad enough to be missing the trip you can see more of Mick's photos of his rail travels here http://mickpope.zenfolio.com/f63169718

Not pants - skirts.

Bit of a slow day today. The calm before the storm.

Speaking of storms here is one in a teacup.

 Photo courtesy of the Washington Post.
(Just don't tell them)

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-22828150

It is good to be warned about skirt wearing male train drivers before we arrive in Stockholm four weeks today. Apparently the trains are run by Arriva who seem to specialise in ways to foul up and antagonise staff and customers. Must be one of the benefits of being in the EC.







EXCLUSIVE - Watch out for our forthcoming  Celebrity Interview with Agent 00Mick. We are just waiting for the ink to dry on the photos.

Stop Press  -  Arriva have backed down and will allow the train drivers to wear shorts. Too late. I had already downloaded the photo.

Celebrity Interview - Scooter the Gourmet Wonderhound.

Readers will recall the recent request for a suitable mascot for the GCERC.  A whopping 100% of nominations suggested Scooter for the job. We are therefore delighted to be able to present for your enjoyment an in-depth interview with the hound himself.

Before we start talking to Scooter we need to mention Donbacsi, who is the CIA's head of station in  Budapest. Don's cover requires him to live with Scooter in an undisclosed location and act as Scooter's Majordomo.

We met poolside at an exclusive Beverley Hills hotel. Don opened the door of our hero's British Racing Green, leather trimmed Jaguar exactly on time and it was soon clear that Scooter wanted to waste no time in communicating with you, his public.

DD - Good morning Scooter. It's a pleasure to have the chance to talk to you.

Scooter - Cut the crap kid. Time is money.
 
What first interested you in extreme train travel?
The train is the only proper means of transport. Look at the long sleek lines, a match to my perfect physique. Also, there are many more places to take care of one's business as compared to a car or plane.
What is your favourite TV show?
It would have to be the American sit-com "2 Broke Girls". While the girl's mouths are incredibly foul, they are every bit as succulent as the plates of food they serve
If you could be on the GCERC trip who would you bring as your personal guest?
As for my guest, I should like either Portmanteau or Manuel (que?) from "Fawlty Towers" for their witty conversationalism. As a man servant/toady it must be John Cleese, especially while traversing Germany. "I'll have the Eva Prawn Salad."
Steak or Sausages?
American steak AND Hungarian sausages, excepting the ring stingers which Donbacsi refuses to clean up after until they have petrified. No mad cow cuts and certainly no Froggy horse meat! 
Do you have any tips for greenhorn rail travellers in Eastern Yurp?
Eat everything in sight, but bring enough medicinals to open up or close up that which must be obeyed.
What is your philosophy for life?
"Gimme a sausage, c'mon gimme a sausage, oh paleezzee gimme a SAUSAGE!!!"

(At this point a cute dachshund walked by and Scooter was off like a shot. We thank him for his time and also that of Donbacsi.)

Watch out for further Celebrity interviews here on DD.

This post is pants

Underwear is a hot topic on the GCERC Official Blog as it was also on the prototype Great Circular Indian Railway Challenge.

This is where planning pays off. I have been saving my laundered holy shreddies for the last 18 months. This will allow me to wear and discard as we progress across the continent, providing a satisfactory comfort experience for self and a more pleasing ambience for anybody who has to sit near my luggage.

My in depth research into the topic also revealed this website  http://myshreddies.com/

Award Winning Flatulence Filtering Underwear might be quite handy once we get into our stride.

GCERC Gertie

Looks like we have the right tickets for the right trains so we can concentrate on the important stuff from here on in.

This thing has been in the planning phase for nearly 2 years and I am very concerned that nobody has yet given any consideration to a suitable mascot for the project. If we don't have one of these how will anybody ever remember our derring do in years to come?

Suggestions are required. There will be no prize. The following are off limits as they have previously been employed to other projects.

 

Start posting your suggestions NOW!

Thirty Days

The post title is not a reference to the excellent, if somewhat obscure, number by Chuck Berry 

It does mark the fact that 30 days from today some of the hardier members of the GCERC crew will be bidding farewell to their loved ones and setting out . Yours truly, along with the Pope of Merseyside, will putting in some hard miles while the SSJ contingent have their perms done and their toe-nails painted.

Today's ripped off photo is courtesy of http://gcerc.wordpress.com/2013/06/05/the-dirty-dozen/ and was described by one neutral observer as looking like a shot of the Great Train Robbers.

Today's Quiz question is a two parter.

Firstly - How many different currencies will we need to complete GCERC?


Secondly - Name them

First Thrill

That first post was the easy part as I could do it on the laptop.  This one is more of a test, using only the tablet and my three left thumbs.

Thrills were promised and here is the first one.


Doorbell!



Postman!!




Special delivery!!!

Not really a huge amount of paperwork for a trip involving 48 trains. Actually a half century for me as I need two trains to get to London for the start, not to mention the additional capital city.

GCERC - Setting the Scene

This may well turn out to be a disaster.

My blog that is  -  not the trip.

 The plan is to blog the forthcoming Great Circular European Railway Challenge using only a tablet and a barely tried  Mofi Doodle.  Whether this is achievable only time will tell. What is guaranteed is an above normal level of typos and errors. Be kind.

The project is the brainchild of Mark Lester, he of Great Circular Indian Railway Challenge fame. It has been in the planning for some time and we now have only a month until lift off.  The venture's official website is here.

Stay tuned for thrills and spills.